It is October 2018. I am twenty something years old and fluctuate between 140-144lbs and about 18-20% body fat.
In my mind I still look in the mirror and hear voices telling me I’m fat and ugly.
I end up experiencing feelings of shame, dissappointment, and depression.
Why? Logically I realize that I am a healthy and fit person. So where are these negative, self-defeating thoughts and emotions coming from?
They are rooted in my deep subconscious beliefs about what I think I should look like. They are rooted in the rigid rules, demands, and standards I have placed on myself.
Rules and demands that state in order to feel good about myself, in order to feel happy and confident and like a better person I must fulfill strict physical requirements of a fitness bikini model. I must master my physical appearance like a bikini fitness model. I must look like the women I admire and see as perfection. Women who are, to me, the epitome of fit, lean, sexy, and beautiful.
Amanda Latona and Ashley Kaltwasser are the iconic representations for the IFBB Pro. They are the victoria secret models of fitness. When I think of bikini models I think of these two women. They have everything a girl in my generation aspires to have. Both curving and yet incredibly lean at the same time. To put it frankly, a skinny waist, curvy hips, and a big booty.
I find these women so admirable for achieving that level of fitness and physique. But its so unhealthy to compare myself to them. Their life revolves around looking that lean and aesthetically on point. My life is not on that path. I have other priorities and it would be better to just accept myself as I am and live a healthy life rather than demand that I try to keep up with these images of women when they were at their prime state.
In other words..
“There’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking and I’m going to find out what it is”